The single-handed cruising couple
We don’t run into this all that often but when we do, it’s a puzzler. I’m referring to boats with a couple onboard where one of the two (it’s always been the woman in the situations we’ve witnessed but it definitely wouldn’t have to be) does absolutely nothing. That’s right, nada, at least as far as operating the boat goes.
The other day we watched the captain of a smallish monohull anchored just behind us, running back and forth between the bow and the cockpit in the process of raising anchor. During this time, the woman on the boat (I’ll refer to her as his wife for simplicity) just sat there. She was not at the helm nor was she on the bow. She was just sitting there in the cockpit as the guy made multiple trips back and forth. We commented on it but they soon left so it was quickly forgotten.
Yesterday afternoon though, they returned and were obviously set on getting their place behind us back again. The sound of their anchor dropping drew our attention and when we poked our heads up to see where they were, we saw that they had dropped it only about 6 feet astern of us. That’s pretty close but in normal conditions, if everyone was lying back from the wind in the same direction, it could have been OK. The thing is, none of the boats were. There was no wind at that time and all of the boats were simply being held in place by the weight of their anchor chain. This makes it difficult to really figure out where to anchor. As you might imagine, this quickly turned into a problem. Before this couple got their sails squared away (actually, I shouldn’t say couple because again, the woman did nothing to help with this) their boat was getting dangerously close to ours.
Rebecca was the first on deck to monitor this and I was quick to follow. The captain of the boat saw us giving him the evil eye as his boat drifted closer and closer to ours. To his credit, without any words from us, he started the process of raising his anchor, but again, all by himself. Where was his wife? Down below, seemingly oblivious to the fact that their boat was about to hit ours. Am I exaggerating? No. She only popped her head up to see what was happening as I kicked their boat away from ours! I had a few choice words for them at this moment in time and sensing my displeasure, the captain of the boat, still the only one doing anything of value on board, increased his pace.
The situation ended with that boat leaving and anchoring far away from us but it left Rebecca and I scratching our heads. I know that not all cruising couples are equals when it comes to operating the boat but even still, anyone can be taught, and should be taught, how to steer the boat and operate the throttle. Our friend George has had several crew on board Earthling, all of whom were pretty new to boating. In short order, each of them were able to do as I describe, and substantially more. Perhaps it’s not necessary and the captain is capable of single-handing the boat, under normal circumstances. I wouldn’t call yesterday’s situation a normal circumstance though. I don’t want come across as too judgmental as there may be circumstances that we’re not aware of. That said, this dynamic is definitely peculiar as far as we’re concerned.
Maybe the woman was/is a beloved long term companion who is a survivor of an illness rendering her with a severe brain injury or mobilkity issue. Perhaps the husband wanted to live his dream, and “for better or worse” didnt want to leave her behind. Maybe he’s just doing the absolute best he can. We don’t walk in their shoes. Just sayin’.
When I wrote this Jennifer you and Al were very much in my mind. And as I posted, perhaps there are circumstances that I was not aware of. They had better have been SERIOUS circumstances though, as you are suggesting. Their boat was at risk of being damaged, as was ours. It was not my responsibility to risk myself, fending off their boat. It was their responsibility. Given this, I think it’s appropriate for me to be critical.
Interesting! Of course it isn’t like that on Sundowner. I have thought about it before and heard other (usually men) talk about it. They say they feel >lucky< that their wives or SO's will join them at all. So even though it sucks that they do everything themselves, it does not suck to have their love on aboard.
One can only be so lucky to find someone willing to live in a shoebox with you, AND get along…Finding someone that also participates in the operation…Jackpot.
Tate and I feel fortunate to have found all of the above:D. You and Rebecca seem to have found them as well.
Love your updates
Ciao
Dani
Yes, Dani, I agree that both Rebecca and I are fortunate that we can experience this together, and have a similar attitude.
Or maybe he didn’t want her help. Some people just have to do it themselves!! When my husband and I are cruising, I’m realistic enough to know that he will do the heavy work because I know that no matter how much I work out, I’m weak. I don’t seem to be able to gain much in the way of muscle mass. My friend Naomi can lift weights for a week and she gets buff as hell!! I can lift weights for months and still not be buff!
I don’t blame the woman. I blame the man. He was obviously the captain (as determined by his actions, not by his sex) and should have been directing his crew. It takes no strength to put the boat in gear and motor it away from an imminent collision.
I actually took a bareboat course with a couple just like this. The man(husband) and us (my wife and I) were there brushing up on our sailing skills, and getting ASA bareboat certified. This other wife literally did nothing, even when asked to grab a line, or help out. She spent most of the time on the seat built into the lifelines at the stern.
I was pretty shocked by this total lack of interest as the husband had clear intentions of taking them down to the Caribbean in a very short time after this course. She admitted she wanted to go, but had no intention of ever being involved in the operation of the boat or learning how to.
To each his own I suppose, but I know that my wife and I feel much safer knowing that if one of us were to fall overboard, the other could take the helm and come get us in short order. To me, that’s a safety issue as much as anything else.
It is 100% a safety issue!
Like you, I TRY not to be judgmental…. but this drives me crazy. It’s one thing when women cruisers do only “pink” jobs – but NO jobs? Come on, now. Maybe she is an unwilling partner?
Who knows. I’m not saying she did nothing at all. Perhaps she did do all the “pink” jobs on the boat. Preventing a collision should supersede that though.
We ran into many of those when we were out and it was often a marriage compromise situation. Like, I will let you do this sans divorce papers for a year but I am just going along to humor you and don’t expect me to do a thing with “that boat of yours”. If the partner is not ill or with child, I think it often speaks volumes to their relationship. (although even with child and with babe in arms I still managed to help dock and drop the hook)
I don’t doubt that you did that for a second! 🙂
Oh and that graphic is awesome!!
Thank Facebook for it.
There are lots of terrible stories about people who go to sea, the more skilled person is injured or suffers a heart attack, and their partner is nearly helpless in hailing for help or getting the boat to shore.
I do think in some situations, perhaps in most, women are marginalized by men. Even though I know how to sail and am encouraged (expected) to participate in my liveaboard situation, you wouldn’t believe how many group conversations center around my partner in groups of sailors, and I become the quiet wifey. I think most folks just figure I don’t know anything about anything, you know, given the boobs and all.
Good thoughts and neat image… Got an image credit for that?
I know that if I were hurt Rebecca could motor, if not sail, the boat all on her own and get us to port safely. That makes me feel safe!
As for the pic, the image just turned up in my Facebook feed so I’m not sure where it originated.
It is difficult to excuse that kind of behavior, however, we have seen some justifications.
Numerous times when an inexperienced or incompetent Captain is at the helm doing such things as pulling his boat into a slip or grabbing a mooring ball, his screamed orders are impossible. She has to be at both ends of the boat at once, fending off on both sides of the boat. After a few times, in this scenario, the wife will say, “That’s it. No more.” I can’t blame her.
We ran into one couple who were quite content with his doing the boating and she did the cooking and cleaning. That was what they agreed to when they moved aboard. She was not a sailor and did not want to be. He was competent enough to handle the boat as a single hander, though, so in their case it worked out.
On our boat, we have learned to work together over the years. No yelling. All hand signals. (No, not THAT one.)
We each have our own strengths, though each has learned to do most of what the other usually does – just not as well. Suzi usually does the navigating (We call her the Nagravator.) Larry is usually at the helm except when anchoring or pulling up the anchor. Suzi doesn’t have the strength. (We’ve no windlass.)
Suzi does most of the cooking – she’s better at it (though you should try Captain Larry’s World Famous Omelette.) Larry works on the engine, does the woodworking and varnishing. Suzi repairs the sails, makes cushions, sail covers, pillows. We both clean.
I truly believe that cruising couples need to evolve into this type of cooperation or their cruising years won’t last long together.
We can only guess as to their actual situation. Whatever the reason, the behavior is foreign to Rebecca and I.
You mean I have to do something .. LOL! In all aspects of life, I’ve seen so many women that have never broken a nail or a sweat. Being a woman myself, I’m not being critical … just stating my observations. I often tell Ken that he’s lucky to have a wife that digs in the dirt, paints houses, and gets involved. Unless I’m dealing with health issues like the above comment, I don’t ever want to be totally reliant on someone else. It’s so liberating to be involved!
However, I will admit that there are times I’m glad I’m a woman and don’t have to do some of the things Ken does.
With that, I’ll also admit I have a lot to learn about this cruising stuff! =)
Everyone can learn and I know from reading your blog that you’ll both be working together on your boat.
If I were the man scrabbling across deck doing all the work by myself as the “the wife” did nothing, I would have had a few choice words for her. My philosophy is that running a boat, like running a relationship, is about team work. Just my 2 cents.
Have a great holiday weekend guys!
Cheers.
Thanks Ryan.
Mike
PS: It’s the weekend? 😉
I suspect that many of these “one partner does nothing” cruises are doomed to be short and unpleasant. People who like to have something to do are bound to conflict with those who prefer to do nothing, given sufficiently cramped quarters and sufficient time.
I got lucky. Katy doesn’t like being purely decorative, so she got her PCOC and ROC-M cards and learned how to run the boat herself. It didn’t take long before she could pilot Sunset Chaser onto the trailer in a crosswind, making 20 degrees of leeway, and snap the boat around at the last second to put the bow right in the centre of the 3-inch chock. Now she’s on my case to finish up the new boat’s drawings so that she can help laminate some crossbeams.
That sounds great, Matt. Get busy! 🙂
Cruising on a sailboat is a huge responsibility. Everyone on board should know the minimum basic safety procedures and be willing and able to take over in the case of an emergency. To willfully not help out when your boat is in danger of hitting another is just bad seamanship, not to mention rude.
I tend to agree.
I’m in full agreement with you Deb. What a succinct and reasonable assessment.
I know it’s been said – but I’m boggled like you are Mike . And like you wrote a little farther up: It’s a 100% safety issue. I realize there can be mitigating circumstances for someone to not fully participate, but being that passive is just not safe.
We don’t refer to pink and blue jobs on our boat (to be honest I find that expression archaic – we do what needs to be done. Period.) And if a boat falls into more traditional roles for the man and woman, that’s fine, but it’s everyone’s responsibility to know at least the basics of anchoring, sailing etc.
I have taken our boat out without my partner Rick (with a friend as “just crew”)when we were still in Canada – to give myself the confirmation that I could handle the boat on my own should “something” happen while we’re cruising… The importance of this was driven into me after reading “Red Sky in the Mourning”.
It’s the responsibility of the skipper to lead his crew and it’s the crew’s responsibility to be a competent member of the team.
Just my 2 cents’ worth.
We only jokingly refer to jobs as pink and blue (and brown). Although I do much of the boat maintenance and she takes care of the cooking, we can easily switch. With respect to boat operation though, we both can do almost everything.
This is something that my wife and I have discussed. Its a huge part of the reason we bought a small sail boat to do some local sailing on. I’d like for her to be as competent with handling the boat as I am.
Its been said before but this is a serious safety issue. At the bare minimum everyone on board should be able to navigate, sail the boat, handle the ground tackle and be competent using the radio.
Sounds like you two are on the right path, TJ.
A woman is meant to be a beautiful hood ornamen on any vesselt, clean the heads, make the bunks, cook, serve the captain and clean…She would break her nails, sweat or hurt herself anchoring…….. I am guesing that was the problem Mike.
I am just joking!!!!!!!
Hahahahaaa!!!! That was very funny, John!
And he wonders why he can’t get a date. 😉
Like Cookie said, maybe he told her to sit down and stay out of the way. My parents ran the roads in a motor home many years and my mom begged my dad to let her learn the ‘ropes’. He never did. If it were my husband and I, he’d know I’d be helping and waiting for him, the captain, to give me direction in what he wanted me to do to help. He once commented to a friend who was staring as I was carrying in 4 heavy bags of groceries in each hand… “she’s a lot stronger than she looks, she can actually throw a 65lb bale of alfalfa hay into the back of a truck like it’s a 5lb sack of sugar.” Not all of us girls like the girly sit around buffing our nails life. Besides, I wouldn’t want be out sailing like you and Rebecca do without knowing how to run things myself, in the event something happened. Maybe she really didn’t want to be there but was afraid if she stayed home and sent him alone he’d find some little island chic that was more than willing to go sailing. You guys are very fortunate to both love the same hobbies. You are clearly meant for each other.
“Like Cookie said, maybe he told her to sit down and stay out of the way.”
So that I am not mistaken, I 100% hold the Captain responsible.
Very interesting post! And that’s all I have to say about that other than…
…whatdoweknow?
Exactly.
I have been following this post and coments with interest. We cruise with my limited abilities and I take direction from Al and Jump in to fend where I see necessary although my processing time is usually off. We generally cruise where we won’t be in danger and consider my abilities when choosing a destination. I totally get that you want/need to be critical and its a safety issue.
All cruisers are not the over achievers you and Rebecca are. You have set the bar high.
I hear you, Jennifer. When I said that we were thinking of you when I posted this, it is because we KNEW that you would have been right in there, helping with the situation!
We have been boating since 1988 and have witnessed this same occurrence repeatedly. We never quite understand it. I know that sometimes the women, might be just an acquaintance or new to boating, but sometimes it is the boaters wife, and she never seems to do anything. We have even come across some that, not only don’t help with the handling of the boat, but also don’t even cook!!!
My friend says that perhaps that is the deal the man had to make with his wife in order to be “allowed” to go cruising. Who knows?
We bought our boat for 2 reasons; 1) so I could sail & 2) so she could sun. That being said, my wife will do anything I ask, raise/lower anchor, steer while I raise/lower the sails, fend off the dock when it gets in our way, etc. But, as a matter of course, I do most everything simply because I want to, including cooking.
But after reading some of these comments, I think it’s time she learned how to handle more functions of the boat. She does know how to use the VHF if we need help, but I now think it’s time for her to become a sailor, or at least a sailorette.
What does SHE think about that? That is the real question!
Actually, SHE would like to hire a crew. But that is in the next life.
🙂
I think it is pretty dangerous and fairly pathetic both. While there may be some rare instances where such a lack of involvement in operation of the boat is justified, they are going to be very rare and there are far too many cases for them to be all justifiable IMHO.
For one, it is a huge safety issue. What does the uninvolved partner do if something should happen to the sailor of the pair? MOB, heart attack, stroke, accidental injury and such are all possibilities, and the more self-sufficient the boat, the better off they are.
I know of one couple that had to abandon their boat and lose their home and most of the their worldly possessions as well as much of the wealth doing so. They had to abandon the boat because the sailor of the couple was injured in an accidental gybe and had a severe head trauma. The partner couldn’t stay aboard the boat without assistance—so had to be removed from the boat and the boat abandoned.
Of course, this is a pretty extreme example…and I’m not saying that both people should be able to single hand the boat through a gale…but that would be ideal.
In fact, IMHO, when a couple is cruising, they’re often singlehanding the same boat at different times. Just because there is another person aboard the boat, doesn’t necessarily mean they are available to help sail the boat. If they’re sick, busy in the galley, using the head, sleeping, taking care of a child, etc., they’re effectively not available.
On one friend’s boat, his partner is effectively the cook—and doesn’t know anything about sailing really. But, whenever asked to do something, whether it is to trim a sheet, haul up the anchor, or stand at the helm and steer to a compass course—they jump in and do it. While not actually sailing the boat, they are most definitely contributing to sailing the boat.
Yup. 🙂
An Old Girlfriend said that The Man always sets the “Tone of the Relationship”
Thats the way he wants it to be, It not it would change
While that may or may not be true in the case I described, it definitely is not always the case as your friend suggests.
Read this post with interest – I can see why you found this relationship so strange because (I think) being on a boat is about teamwork and this obviously wasn’t!!
But this raised a few questions for me – my husband and I have similar sailing experience and ability, but agreed years ago that I would be skipper, which works well for us. Someone told us you have to have 1 person in charge especially when things go wrong, which made sense so we made our decision. So question 1 – who is skipper on board ZTC and why? Question 2 – are there many female skippers you have met where the couples experience/ability is similar or do most couples automatically have the male as skipper?
Mandy
Even though I trust Rebecca to make all the right decisions in my absence, I am the Captain, both on paper and in function. We make normal decisions collectively but I normally choose the tactics when there are problems.
We know several female Captains, some of whom are single handers and others who cruise with a partner.
Why did you two choose to have you be the Captain when you have similar skill and ability? Just curious.
Good to know there are female captains in cruising couples!!
John and I learnt together to sail dinghies on sunsail holidays in the Mediterranean (RYA courses) @ 12 years ago, got invited on yachts for day sails in med and uk and enjoyed it all! We both did our RYA day skipper theory separately a few years apart and then decided at least one of us should do our practical. He has a stressful job as MD and didnt want any more responsibilty outside of work whereas I work part time and really wanted a challenge, so I did my practical course @ 4 years ago.
I am more interested in (and better at!) planning and organising – tides, weather, researching new locations, reading sailing books and blogs etc etc plus I am slightly more cautious and will reef earlier, insist on wearing PFD ‘s when necessary, and generally expect the unexpected….. Whereas he does like to “wing it”!!! So overall it seemed to make more sense for me to be skipper. We work together very well as a team and can both do each others role, which you and many other couples seem to do too.
I don’t think it would suit many other couples, but we have done lots of “adrenalin” sports as a couple since we first met so we have total confidence in each other – I think you and Rebecca are similar in this respect! You guys are such a great team!! Very inspirational!!
Thanks for the reply, Mandy. Sounds like you made all the right choices.
In planning for my life aboard, I expect I’ll be spending at least a year or 2 sailing with my youngest daughter. (She’s 8 now). In preparation for this, I intend to begin teaching her how to sail our small dingy this summer. When we finally move aboard, I hope she’ll be able to captain our larger boat independently. My goal is for both of us to be able to sail single-handed.
A worthy goal.
Because of the link from your current article, I stumbled upon this one and I have a hard time to grab the outrage. So how could that situation be explained in a more or less manner?
First, do you know those two are cruisers?
I’m used to sail alone and if I pick up pleasant female companionship for a romantic weekend or a week, I wouldn’t count on her doing other than looking decorative and have a good time with me. If she’s interested in helping, all the better, but if not that’s fine too. Aside listening to the safety instructions, all she really needs to learn is how to operated the marine toilet properly and follow instructions concerning safety. That’s it.
This is closer to being a charter-skipper than cruising together, sure, just my benefits don’t involve money.
As to the safety aspect, for me it makes no real difference to cruising single-handed. If I get hurt or go overboard, I’m toast. For her, it’s really her decision to what kind of risks she takes. She’s an adult afer all.
Also, to all the critics citing safety concerns, what do they expect her to have learned by holding the fenders once on her first weekend-trip in case of a crisis?
I had to go back to re-read the post to see what prompted it, and I’ll concede, Jo, that in the situation you describe, you could be right. All I can add is this, if you’re going to find yourself in this situation, single-handing your boat, either actually, or virtually with non-reactive crew/passengers, you’d better have your shit together. The guy in this instance did not.